Step 2 – To get the relationship that you want the key is to heal the past.
Step 1, was about how to grieve the death of a relationship and of your dreams. This week it is about how important it is to take the time to heal the regret and pain that the end of your relationship caused.
So many people go from one relationship to the next! I am sure you have heard the saying that to get over someone you have to get under someone else! It may be a great distraction, however, you often just carry your hurts and your wounds forward into the next relationship. When you are wounded or hurt, it can be easy to either chose someone who will hurt you or you can be so wounded you end up hurting someone else.
If you don’t take the time to heal you are more likely to meet a Woundmate, rather than a Soulmate.
Imagine you had a large cut on your hand – you need to take the right steps to make sure it heals. You would clean the cut, either get stitches or the right type of bandage and then you would take care to make sure it doesn’t get infected. All the steps are important to make sure it heals, otherwise, you can prolong the process, get sick, or worse. The type of scar you end up with have depends on how you deal with the injury, The same principles apply when it comes to love and relationships.
Taking the time to heal is the secret to creating the lasting love and relationship that you have always craved!
How do you Heal the Past?
It starts with acceptance. In the stages of grieve, the 5th step is acceptance and is the key to healing your pain. When you are unable to accept what has happened to you, you will be unable to move forward in life. In fact, it will keep you stuck firmly in the past.
1. Make the Decision to Let Go of the Pain and Heal
Everything in life starts with a decision. Make the decision and commitment to let go of the pain and accept what happened. When you make this conscious choice to let it go, it puts you in the position of choice rather than being a victim. This is powerful!
It can be common to go over and over all the details of what didn’t work. Reliving the pain and feeling like you are stuck in the hurt and in that story of love gone wrong. But all this does is keeps you stuck reliving your past pain.
You have a choice! The choice is to either hold on tight to the pain or let it go so you can heal and live a future without it – this is empowering!
2. Responsibility to Heal
Take the time to look objectively at what happened and the role you played. The only thing in life that you have control over is you. This step is about accepting your role in your past relationship to work out what went wrong and what part you played. Remember it takes two people to create a healthy relationship and this is about taking radical self-responsibility for your role. This is a brave step to take and if it is tough just remember that you don’t have to do it alone.
It is common to either want to blame the other person, which makes you a victim. Or take all the blame yourself. Neither works or is helpful to create a happy/full life. You can only be responsible for your actions. It is important to be objective and look at yourself, the role you did or didn’t play and take radical self-responsibility.
This places you in a position of choice rather than in a powerless position.
4. Forgiveness of Others and Yourself helps you Heal
Forgiveness is a process, not a one-off action. It is not an automatic one; in fact, it can feel difficult and hard. Resentment, dwelling on the past, bitterness – all of those emotions come easily and are ‘a piece of cake’. When you are hurt, these are easy patterns to fall into. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is an active choice.
Think of forgiveness as a disconnection. When you forgive you will disconnect your heart from the past relationship. In Aramaic, the word for forgiveness (“shbag”) literally means to “untie.” It’s a no-strings-attached kind of action that brings freedom.
Maybe you have heard the saying that not being able to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You will always be the person who is most affected by not being able to forgive someone else.
When you are unable to forgive, it will end up affecting your ability to have future healthy relationships and can ultimately affect your health. If you do not forgive, you give off energy that is a block to attracting the love you want in your life.
Not forgiving affects the energy you give out and how you show up in the world. It will also block new love coming into your life so it is an important area to deal with. I will cover forgiveness in next week’s blog as it is a subject in itself!
4. Everything Happens for a Reason
Everything in life happens for reason. Look at your relationship objectively to learn the reason you attracted the person and that type of relationship.
Every relationship you have can teach you something if you take the time to see what it is. If you don’t take the time to learn the lesson it will often end up repeating in future relationships until you do learn it. In fact, it will either stop you moving on and attracting the love you want or you will continue to attract the same type of person.
Louise Hay and David Kessler say in their book – In ‘Breakups and Breakthroughs in Relationships’ –
The truth is every relationship has been perfectly designed to bring healing. When a relationship ends and you sit in your grief, you can either receive the healing and grow or remain stuck. The relationship is over, so of course, you feel grief. But take a moment to think about the things you learned so that you can receive the gifts, or else you will do the same dance again with another person.
Many times, a relationship doesn’t fit your expectations. It’s easy to judge that person or even the relationship as wrong. You say to yourself, ‘That was just a waste of time’, but there is no waste in the Universe. If the Universe had sent you an amazingly sweet, loving person, and your consciousness was not ready for it, then that person would simply not have been right for you at that time.
The individual in front of you right now – the relationship, the situation – was divinely designed for your healing. When you accept that he or she was the right person for this time in your life, you’ll plant sacred seeds that will heal you in ways you cannot begin to imagine.’
Learning the Lesson
You might wonder what I mean by learning the lesson! Here are some examples of what the lesson could be:
- It was finally time for you to start valuing yourself
- The lesson was to clearly see what you need in a relationship.
- That you are worthy of love.
- They taught you to be a better person.
- To teach you about yourself
- You learned the value of give and take in a relationship.
- Learned how to ask for what you want and need etc.
- You choose the wrong type of person for you.
- Allow people to treat you badly as you don’t value yourself.
The lesson will be unique to you, so it may not be on this list.
This is the base metal and when you learn the lesson you find the gold nugget and alchemise your past.
It will also ensure you don’t continue to recreate the same lesson over and over again creating your own person Ground Hog Day Relationship!
You might feel it is challenging, tough and hard work to go through these steps to heal. But the end result is powerful and will allow you to have the life and the love you have always imagined.
You also don’t have to do it alone, that is where coaching comes in to give you the support, encouragement and insight you need to make the changes. Simply give me a call.