8 Ways to Deal with Dating Frustration
You thought that dating would be fun, yet you are simply dealing with frustration. Finally, you decided you were ready to get back out there and date. and you were excited about the possibilities and meeting someone you like.
When you put your profile up on several online sites and waited expectantly for results, you found that. you got responses but not from the people that you found attractive.
It’s disappointing but then tell yourself, that it is okay it may take a little bit longer than you thought.
After weeks and weeks and weeks of bad conversations and dates you feel so much frustration! You feel so disheartened and wonder if it will ever happen. Nothing prepared you for the frustration you would feel.
Why, why, why does it have to be this hard for you, everyone else seems to be meeting people even your dodgy ex!
You tell yourself it will be ok and say affirmations. Yet no matter how hard you try to stay positive but you just can’t! It’s hard not to question if it will ever happen or to feel like there is something wrong with you.
Does this sound familiar? How do you cope with the frustration you feel?
First let’s make sure you have taken the action that you need to.
Part 1 – Have You Taken These Steps?
1. It can take time
It may have taken weeks and weeks yet dating needs to be looked at as a longterm and numbers game! You have to keep at it as 90% of the singles online will be wrong for you and you may have to meet the 90 wrong ones before you meet Mr/Mrs Right! Oh and remember you only need one. You also may need to widen your net and not just go on narrow criteria.
If you wanted to get the job you have always wanted or to get fit and healthy you would set a goal and then look at the action you need to take to get there. You would realise that it takes time to get results and you would keep going no matter what. For example, you might need to study for 3 years and then do work experience to get the job you want.
You need to take the same approach when it comes to love and relationships instead of expecting it happen instantly. Meeting the right person can happen quickly, yet other times it might take longer. Know that it will take however long it needs to take.
2. Have an Action Plan to get Rid of the Frustration
Be clear about what you want and set your intention/goals to make it happen just like you would if you were doing anything else.
Set a clear plan of what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. Set aside time to go online, to have dates, to go to new places and events. Be honest, objective and have a good look at what YOU are doing that is and isn’t working for you. Don’t continually put the problem of meeting someone out there! Look at your dating, flirting, communication skills, how you present yourself and how you feel about yourself. If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect someone else to? In fact, like attracts like but often in the opposite way. So, if you don’t’ like yourself, you are more likely to attract someone who doesn’t value you!
Be honest with yourself and make adjustments where necessary!
Don’t be so focused on the outcome that you don’t take the time to enjoy the journey. Have milestones of the achievements you have made towards your goal and make sure you celebrate them. It could be as simple as celebrating that you have gone on 2 dates that week, tried something different or learnt how to be curious and flirt.
Break down what you need to do into daily actions as well as in 30, 60 and 90-day chunks. Be accountable to someone else. If you are anything like me you will leave things to the last minute but get it done because you have a deadline! This will keep you motivated and make sure that you keep taking action. Keep in mind the cliché – ‘if you fail to plan you plan to fail!’ This plan can be flexible rather than rigid and set in stone as dating should be fun after all. Remember that your action plan has to include dating, as you won’t meet anyone sitting on your coach.
Part 2 – Practical Ways to Deal with the Frustration!
1. Allow Yourself 5 Minutes of Negativity a Day
it simply isn’t normal to be positive 24/7! You are not going to be or feel positive all the time. Getting caught up in negative thoughts isn’t helpful, nor is trying to suppress them. The more you resist something the more it persists. So, it’s important to allow yourself a time to vent your feelings and frustrations. I recommend you allow yourself five minutes a day and during those five minutes, you can say anything and everything about how you are feeling. Put the timer on and let rip! It allows you to get the feelings and frustrations out rather than going down the never-ending rabbit hole of frustration. You may even run out of things to vent about in your five minutes!
2. Watch Your Thoughts it Manages the Frustration
If you find yourself thinking a negative thought outside of your five-minute vent time then you need to do something to interrupt the thought pattern. Try replacing the thought with ‘it will happen’ or ‘my person is looking for me’ or whatever positive statement works for you. You can even use these at the end of a bad date to feel better!
It is important to remember that those negative and fearful thoughts will only increase your anxiety! When you focus so much on what you don’t want, you tend to see more of it and create more of that in your life. Our mind doesn’t work in negatives. If I told you not to think about a red rose, your brain would have to think about a red rose not to think about it! Therefore, you have to think about what you want rather than what you don’t want as your thoughts really do create your reality.
Approximately 90% of your thoughts are automatic and are what you thought yesterday and the day before. Be aware of your thoughts because you can actually train yourself to think, that love and a relationship will happen for you and about what you want rather than what you don’t want, it just takes practice.
3. Reframing What You are Thinking
If you can work out what you are telling yourself about your situation you can then have the power to change the way you think about it. This is called reframing or changing the story you are telling yourself.
Did you know that it can be your perception of the situation that causes you pain and you have the power over what you are telling yourself? It also helps not to be focussed on the end game of meeting your person as that makes every date extra loaded with expectations. If you continually think that you won’t find someone when you want to, of course, it will make you feel bad. When you choose to see this situation another way it helps you feel better about it. You can start to believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen. Instead of being a victim of your circumstance, you can create a new perspective. You’ve got this! Tell yourself that you’re a strong, powerful person and it’s possible for you. Remember your feelings aren’t facts.
4. Get into Nature to Kill the Frustration
When you get into nature you can instantly feel like things don’t matter nearly as much and dissolve your frustration! It brings you back into the moment rather than obsessing about what will happen in the future.
You can get moving and use all of your senses to be in the now! If you get caught up in anxious thoughts bring yourself back to this moment.
Try this: breath, feel, hear, touch and see what is going on in nature as you walk. Breathe in the scent of the flowers, feel the cold air on your face, hear the sounds of the birds, touch the grass and see the beauty of the trees. As you breathe in say a simple positive affirmation, if could be “I am safe” on an in-breath and “I am calm” on an out-breath. You can repeat and create a positive loop to move from your anxiety to peace. Take an extra moment to be grateful for the moment so you can remember it the future. It is simple but works to get you out of your head. You also get the added bonus of the feel-good endorphins that moving will give you.
Breathing is a simple yet powerful way to calm yourself down. Your body’s response to stress is automatic and comes from your nervous system. When you are stressed about not finding someone it can literally put you in a state of ‘fight and flight’ and alter your breathing, heart rate and blood pressure. It causes the feelings of anxiety and fear. There is one easy way to change that and it is your breathing.
Just like your nervous system can change your breathing, your breathing can change your nervous system. You can do this through balanced breathing, you can turn your fear into courage and anxiety into calm.
All you need to do is to sit in a comfortable relaxed sitting position, with a straight spine and relaxed shoulders. Begin to breathe in and out deeply/gently though your nose from your diaphragm. Do this easily, naturally and in a relaxed way. Count in for six breathes and out for six breathes keeping your breath slow and even. Continue this balanced breathing for several minutes, the longer you do this the better you will feel. You can also put your hand on your heart and think of love and compassion as you are breathing in and out. This will release oxytocin, the love hormone into your system. Instead of having the stress response you will have the love response.
When you finish this exercise notice how much calmer you feel. Do this a few times a day for a couple of weeks, you could choose the same time of day. What you will find is at those set times your body will automatically go into a calm state. The mental, emotional and health benefits you’ll get from practising balanced breathing have been scientifically proven to be long-lasting.
6. How you Start Your Day Limits Frustration
Try starting your day singing, dancing and humming as they are a good way to put you in a good mood at the beginning of the day. Use an upbeat, positive song to ward off worry, frustration and seriousness! It is hard to feel frustration when you are having fun!
Did you know that simple yawn is one of the fastest ways to lower stress? Anxiety comes from spending too much time in your head overthinking everything. But yawning is a simple technique that can change that. Here’s why: 1. Yawning shifts your brain to its creative side to deal with problems and release powerful neurochemicals. 2. Makes you alert and able to concentrate. 3. Allows you to be creative. 4. Improves metabolism. 5. Improves thinking. 6. Increases memory function. 7. Lowers stress. 8. Increases empathy. 9. Enhances pleasure and sensuality. So, yawn as many times a day as possible – when you wake up, when you’re confronting a difficult problem and whenever you feel anxious or stressed.
Try the Mindful Yawning Exercise developed by Mark Waldman-NeuroWisdom
It only takes two minutes, and works better standing up. Take a slow deep breath, then yawn. It’s ok to fake it to start with If you make an “ahh” sound when you exhale you should be able to trigger a series of real yawns by your fourth or fifth try.
As you continue to yawn, pay close attention to the sensations in your mouth, your throat, your chest and belly, and don’t be surprised if your eyes start watering. If you feel dizzy, lightheaded, or disoriented, stop, sit down, and rest. Continue to yawn another ten or twelve times, and then pause, noticing the different body sensations you are having. Do you feel more relaxed and alert? If you feel tired, it probably means that you are exhausted from overwork If you’ve been particularly stressed or anxious, you might find yourself yawning a great deal over the next half hour, or even throughout the day after you’ve tried this yawning experiment. It means that your brain needs more blood circulation to improve neural performance.
8. Trust and Faith
When you have taken the actions in the Part 1 it is then time to let go of frustration and trust that it will happen when it is meant to happen. Maybe your guy isn’t quite ready, or you need to learn something to be ready for the person who is the right fit for you.
I want you to know that you won’t miss out on your person! What is meant for you will NOT pass you by. It sounds weird but you need the faith to believe it will happen and then because you are taking action the ability to let it go and get on with life. Embrace that wonderful mix of anticipation/excitement without getting caught up in the impatient and negative thoughts about why love isn’t here yet! I know it may sound like a contradiction but it isn’t.
It is all about letting it happen rather than tightly controlling EVERYTHING!
The pot doesn’t boil any faster when you anxiously check it! It will take the exact amount of time it needs to boil no matter what YOU do.
If you have the quiet confidence that it will happen you don’t come across as desperate. Whereas, that anxious feeling of wanting it and doing ANYTHING to get it does come across as desperate. This leads to you getting caught in the scarcity trap and often accepting less than you should.
When you have that wonderful mix of knowing what you want and knowing it will happen, you come across are secure and magnetic to the opposite sex. When you grasp or try to control everything it doesn’t help, it just takes the joy and fun out of life and this will come across to the singles you meet. Coming from a relaxed happy place makes you attractive. Have the ability to be focussed on what you want, taking action while allowing it to happen! Trust me it will.
Finally, faith is the ability to move past your fears/doubts to knowing it will happen. There will be bumps on the road to love and they are normal, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that you won’t find love.
I hope these tips help you deal with your dating frustration and anxiety. They are also useful to use in any other situation you might feel frustrated or anxious.
Remember you don’t have to do it alone, I am here to support you as a Relationship Coach and enable you to move from frustration to results.. All you need to do is click here to book a call.